"Give me strength to be my best today – Help me become who you want me to be.”

There are times when God just knows what you need to hear. And tonight was one of those times. This week has been a trying one for me. I have been struggling with my health, with unanswered questions concerning my disease, with wondering if I will ever feel “normal” or “myself” again. There are days I just sit and cry as I watch my hair falling out and the scale moving upwards, days when I think about Kennedy and how she will never be able to just go out to recess like all the other kids at school without having to stop by the office and get her blood sugar checked. Days when I wonder if there was something I could have done, could have changed about what we are eating and our lifestyles that could have prevented KK and myself from coming down with these diseases. I worry about the health of our other children. Every stomach ache, case of heartburn, or other sickness that occurs in my family seems to bring on a panic attack inside me and makes me wonder who else might become seriously ill. And there were days where I just choose to feel sorry for myself. Sometimes I feel like there is such a heavy weight on my shoulders and I do not know what to do. And although I know that there are other people out there going through trials, there are times when I feel utterly and completely alone.

With that being said, I have made it an unshakable priority to read my scriptures and pray every morning so I have the strength to make it through the days when I have no energy or I am discouraged. And while the scriptures have comforted me and I have been taught things by the Spirit, I still felt like something was lacking. And today I realized part of the reason I have been having such a hard time. I have not been turning my burdens over to God. I have been trying to muscle through them on my own. And that has not been working so well. I have been trying so hard to be faithful, to be optimistic, to be strong, and I have been failing because I am missing the most crucial component and that is giving my faith, my trust, and my trials to God, knowing He will lift me up.

After an especially emotionally trying day yesterday today I decided to pray each and every time a discouraging thought came into my mind. I stopped, I said a prayer of gratitude, then I asked for God’s strength and love in my life. And although my day was by no means perfect, I have never felt so much peace. I know God heard and answered my prayers. By praying to Him each time I was discouraged, I was able to see the beauty in my life. I was able to look past the hardships and see the blessings, which are all around if you can open your eyes enough to see them.

I know God has a plan for me and my family. And although I do not understand why we are called upon to go through what we have to go through sometimes, I know there is a reason. We do not suffer in vain. It is so easy to let discouragement take over and sweep us away if we are not constantly grounding ourselves by clinging to our faith. And I am so grateful for that reminder this week. Even if it did take a round of trials to bring me back to the real mission of this life.
Tonight while I was reading blogs, I came across a story about a family whose five year old daughter died of a brain tumor and I was touched by the mother’s words of faith. The resolve this mother had resonated with me and my experience today. They strengthened me and uplifted me and gave me more resolve to cling to my faith.

The link for the entire story is here. http://hilaryweeks.com/blog/?p=424

Here are the words that inspired me:

“There is much I have learned from Sadie and our experience. I have learned that no one is immune from trials. But it is how we choose to react to them that will shape our lives in the future. There was the moment after she was diagnosed where I had to ask myself if I believed what I said I did. It is easy to coast through the gospel and what it teaches until something gives you that gut check. We could be bitter or hold to our faith with our all. And that is what we strived to do.

“And I learned about God’s will. It took me a long time into Sadie’s battle to pray that His will is what I trusted or for His will to be done. I didn’t want to agree if His will was that she end up passing away. Speaking those words in a prayer was so hard. But I had to turn it over to Him. Though the hardships remained, a load was lifted off my shoulders and a peace came. And my love for the Savior grew. We have a plaque in our home that reads, “Sometimes God calms the storm. Sometimes He lets the storm rage and calms His child”. I think that applied to Sadie and to us as her family.

"And as one of my all time favorite Hilary Weeks lines states, “… And give me strength to be my best today – help me become who you want me to be.”

I am grateful for this life. As frustrating, messy, and painful as it can be at times, there is always beauty, love, and peace that can be found if we are focusing on eternity. Eternity is the only reality. I need to remember that.